Saturday, May 19, 2007

Stupid Bumper Stickers

The only thing worse than a bad driver is a bad driver with an annoying bumper sticker. I always appreciate it when some minivan-driving, Jamba-Juice sucking soccer mom cuts me off and then teaches me a life lesson with her carefully selected bumper stickers; or when some douchebag balls-deep in a mid-life crisis driving a shiny new Jaguar lets me know how cool he is with his “I’d rather be golfing” sticker. Truly, nothing shows off an anonymous driver’s unabashed stupidity like a message on the back of his/her car.

It seems like everyone driving around these days has some trite shibboleth or earth-shattering dictum to share with everyone else on the road. Well, I’m sick of it. Here are a few that I find especially irritating.

So what? Everyone’s an honor student these days. If only the best students were given the title, all the paste-eating simpletons with the brain activity of a tree stump would feel bad and someone would get sued for discrimination. And I don’t even want to think about all the teachers, mostly female teachers these days, having sex with their students; however, parents should be concerned when Jr. comes home from grade school with a “My child is the best lay in class” bumper sticker.

Putting aside the nauseating politically correct reality for a moment, we can assume that honor students truly are sparkling gems of scholastic achievement. In this hypothetical situation, the “My beagle is smarter than your honor student” becomes, as scientists say, complete bullshit. Allow me to illustrate my point with a simple dialog.

Parent: “Smart dog, huh?”
Dog Owner: “Yes.”
Parent: “Can your beagle read?”
Dog Owner: “Well, no….”
Parent: “Fuck you, then.”

Honestly, I suspect people with this bumper sticker are just compensating for their inability to have children to be proud of with feigned enthusiasm aimed at their pets. They’re either
A. Physically incapable of producing human offspring
B. Too stupid/unattractive/annoying to trick someone into breeding with them C. Living an “alternative” lifestyle of which children are rarely a product
D. Puppy fuckers.
Either way, it’s a retarded thing to slap on the back of a car.

Researchers in a fancy laboratory somewhere have just released some interesting information about people who put 9/11 conspiracy bumper stickers on their cars. The following comes from a recent press release submitted to the associated press:

Our research, conducted in a totally awesome lab with all kinds of cool vials, beakers, and a really large computer with flashing red and yellow lights, shows that people with 9/11 conspiracy bumper stickers on their cars are, 95% of the time, anal babies. Anal baby is the scientific term for what laypeople know as ass children; i.e., humans incubated in and birthed from the ass as opposed to the womb. While we scientists aren’t certain how anal babies are conceived—Dr. Jim from the lab has a pretty neat theory involving bottle rockets, a Sir Mix-a-lot CD, a drug-addicted goat, and an electric fence—we do know that they all have unusually low IQs; bad breath; an inability to face even the most obvious of realities; an unhealthy, and often sexually compulsive, interest in all things ass-related; and a penchant for protesting in large numbers with comically idiotic and often misspelled signs.

However below average in every way these anal babies are, they generally only pose a threat to themselves. As for the other 5% of people with 9/11 conspiracy theory bumper stickers on their vehicles, well, they’re just fucking stupid.

Translation 1: “My stepfather bought me this expensive car so I wouldn’t tell my mother he’s been nailing me since I was fifteen.”
Translation 2: “I’m a spoiled, empty-headed, ditz, and I get whatever I want from my father. This will lead to selfish and immature behavior that only gets worse as I get older. I’ll pick boyfriends based on how much money they make, how much crap they buy me, and I’ll whine like an eight-year-old whenever I don’t get my way. I’ll probably end up destroying the lives of several decent men until one of them gets fed up with my nonsense and kills me with a shovel.”
Translation 3: “Pay attention to me.”

I’ve always hated this “daddy’s little princes” sentiment. Great, your father doesn’t hate you. Mothers often love their sons, too, yet the “Mommy’s little tit-nibbler” stickers are somehow less popular.

Thanks, sucker. Now, when I follow you home I’ll know how many people I have to murder in their sleep to rob your house in peace.

I expressed my hatred for this kind of sticker several years ago in a never-published letter to the editor. Here’s a snippet:

I saw this dumb bitch the other day who had all sorts of lame Wiccan bumper stickers all over her car. The stickers said stupid shit like, "Blessed be" and "Not all witches are bitches." This pissed me off. I hate bad bumper stickers and I hate Wicca, so you can imagine how angry this made me. So, in a fit of rage, I forced her car off the road and burned her at the stake. Staring at the dancing flames made me realize that the practice of burning witches at the stake was kick-ass and should be brought back as a common practice. Some people don't like the idea of burning witches at the stake, which leads me to believe that these people are witches too and should be burned at the stake immediately.

The whole thing (Wicca) is stupid. Cast all the spells you want, Sabrina, but my foot kicking your ass is the only result you can expect. And every time I see some stupid novelty Wiccan bumper sticker, I'm going to litter to fuck with Mother Earth, and I'm going to make several sexist comments just to piss off all the goddesses out there.

Why you’d want to tell the world you’re a superfan of computers so inferior they’re practically oversized Tamagotchi is beyond me. Hey, easy mark, try not to choke on your over-inflated sense of cool when you hop on the trend wagon.
Got an original thought in your head? Nope. I’d rather not be stuck in traffic learning what your hobbies are, Tiger Woods.

…at cooking and cleaning.

Come on, what did you expect me to say about a sticker so desperate to be taken seriously?

HIV Positive.

I believe in two-legged fish with DARWIN written on them.

Mentioning every bumper sticker that pisses me off is like trying to calculate infinity on an abacus. I’d try to mention a few more, but I think the pink mafia is here in regards to that HIV joke I just made. At least my cement shoes will look fabulous.


jungle jane said...

My worst one does not appear on your list: "Baby on board". Maybe you don't get those in the USA. they are so fucking annoying, i usually drive up the arse of people who have those stickers. just to terrify their babies.

BD said...

You know that symbol could simply mean, the driver of the car in question has a liking for the colours of the rainbow.

I thought the correct way to respond to Girls Kick Ass was thats only cause they haven't fought me?

The fish and Darwin was always going to be a shit idea, the T-Rex Darwin was much better.

Why you’d want to tell the world you’re a superfan of computers so inferior they’re practically oversized Tamagotchi..., enough said. Kinda like trying to 'prove' that Metallica shaped any sort of musical genre or clarify that Nationalists aren't just racists in disguise.

I can't believe you're not a supporter of the conspiricies surrounding 9/11? I mean, doesn't the ongoing intellect demostrated by the nation regarding terrorism just suggest its all them...

I think, My Other Car Is A X-Wing should've been on there. But how could you hate that? Infinity can't be calculated, I know this is the second time I have questioned the science and I know its a waste, I'll stop.

Captain Smack said...

Man, that was awesome. The burning-the-witch part killed me.

It reminded me, years ago I used to work at a sign shop, and my friend and I would use the vinyl cutter to make professional looking bumper stickers and then covertly put them on other people's cars. That was some funny shit. I'm sure you can imagine the possibilities.

neko said...

I'm of the opinion that sticking a bumper sticker to your car, instantly lowers the value thereof by at least half of its cost price.

Makes the car look cheap and the person in it, appear retarded.

capitalism - gotta love it.

honkeie2 said...

It also makes it easier to tell which car to aim my shopping cart at when I go food shopping. I usually aim mine at the fancy cars with bumper stickers. How dare they uglyify nice cars!

Prunella Jones said...

I just love bumper stickers. I give them as gifts. My favorite is the positive statement YUM, YUM I LOVE ARAB OIL! I make these by the hundreds and slap them on my neighbors SUV's during the night as token of my good will.

morbid misanthrope said...

jungle jane – Ah, yes, “Baby on Board.” I haven’t seen one of those in a while. I think people stopped getting those stickers after Weird Al made fun of them on VH1’s I Love the *insert decade here*. If people are so impressed by their own fecundity, why don’t they just tie their babies to the roofs of their vehicles? That way, everyone else on the road will know they have children without having to look at those dumb bumper stickers.

bd – Very true. When I first saw these stickers years ago, I thought, “Wow. Some people really like prisms.” But the more I thought about it, the more I thought the rainbow stickers were meant as a reminder of God’s promise to Noah not to destroy the population of earth with a worldwide flood again. So much for that theory.

Yes, I could have responded “only ‘cause they haven’t fought me,” but I didn’t want to come off as some kind of sexist.

I prefer the Christian fish myself. It tells everyone you’re a bad driver.

You have to watch out for racists in disguise. One of them might end up being the worst birthday clown you ever have.

The 9/11 conspiracy theories might make more sense to me if I had a pile of chiggers where my brain was supposed to be. Thank goodness I wore my tinfoil helmet today.

I was going to mention nerd bumper stickers, but nerds are hard to get angry at—especially when they’re small and dressed like Ewoks … Cheetos-inhaling Ewoks.

I’m aware that infinity can’t be calculated. That was sort of the point, really. Feel free to question my science. My college science teacher did. Unfortunately, someone dissected him.

captain smack – Glad to see you’re not one of those “Ooohh, I’m too much of a pussy to burn witches” people. I bet a good ad campaign claiming burning a witch cures STDs would help the movement pick back up. Incidentally, did you know that burning a witch cures genital warts?

Perhaps you and your friend were the guys that put the “No Fat Chicks” sticker on my car a while back. I didn’t notice it, but my brother’s criminally fat fiancĂ© did. It made her very depressed—kind of like when you tease the elephants at the zoo—and she hung herself from a telephone pole. That was some pretty funny shit.

neko – Well, my car’s only worth about $150 as it is. If I put some stickers on it, it might actually raise the value a little bit … or at least take attention away from all the kitten parts stuck in the grille.

honkeie2 – I used to know a guy that would kick car doors if the car was parked poorly. He also used to like to get out of the car at red lights and jump up and down on the hood. The last time I saw him he was throwing lunchmeat at his dog while the authorities tried to take him away.

prunella jones – I like Arab oil, too. It’s just a pity have you have mash up so many Arabs to make the stuff.

neko said...

alas, morb, no amount of stupid bumper stickers could ever raise the value of your "vehicle". They may hold it together... maybe.

kitten parts? sounds tasty.

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- The other day someone put a "Life is short, don't be a dick" sticker on my car. It's kind of shiny. That's bound to raise the car's overall value. There's this guy down the street who smokes meth all day and stacks furniture on his driveway all night; I bet he would give me a good price for the car. He seems to like shiny anything.

As for the kittens, they wouldn't be in my car's grille if I didn't keep throwing them at the front of my car. I hate kittens.

Prunella Jones said...

It was me who slapped the "Life is short.." sticker on your car. Glad you liked it. I would've stopped by to say hello and remind you that Jesus loves you, but I didn't have time. I had to take my grandma to the hospital to get her tattoos removed. You know how it is.

neko said...

well, i suppose there's an exception to every rule.. give a meth addict something shiny and they'l do whatever you want them to.

you only hate kittens coz you're a misanthrope, you can't help it. it's OCD.

the kittens in your neighbourhood are plotting revenge... tread lightly, sleep even lighter, morb.

morbid misanthrope said...

prunella jones -- Thanks for the sticker. My car is now worth roughly $153.45. If things keep up like this I'll be a regular Donald Trump.

I appreciate the thought, but I'm reminded how much Jesus loves me every time I kick a yipping puppy, every time I remove a hangnail with pliers, every time David Hasselhoff eats a burger on the floor, and every time Sandra and Elvin fight and then make up on The Cosby Show.

Best wishes to your grandmother as her scorched and shredded skin grows back ink-free.

neko -- I also hate kittens because they think they're better than me. They think they're better than everyone.

Thanks for the warning. I had a feeling something was up. The night air has been a bit heavier with feline treachery as of late. Thankfully, I was able to use my power of persuasion (i.e., told them a witch was running around killing and mutilating neighborhood pets) to convince the neighbors to put bells on all their cats. Now I can hear them coming. Your troops shall fall again in battle, Bast. Once again I have bested your mewing hordes.

Erica AP said...

Haha... You are fucking funny as hell!! I hate bumper stickers too!! Have you started a club yet, because clubs are like "the popular kids" but not.

morbid misanthrope said...

erica ap -- I don't have a club, but I am the founder, commander in chief, and sole member of the Misanthropic Army--Truly an army of one.

jungle jane said...

I love Captain Smack's idea...i am going to plaster the whole neighbourhood's cars with lame-arse bumper stickers. I think the Moslem next door will LOVE the "I heart Jesus" sticker i have for him...

morbid misanthrope said...

jungle jane -- Well, they might not have a problem with the Jesus bit--many Muslims consider Jesus a Muslim prophet (His Muslim name being 'Isa).

The heart part, however, might upset them. It might somehow suggest female adultery, in which case they'd have to do some serious lady punching.

I suggest an "I heart Ham" sticker. That'll get a reaction.

neko said...

whoever puts a sticker on my car, gets a wooden stake through the heart.

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- That's pretty harsh, but at least your car is safe from vandalizing Draculas.

neko said...

yeah, thank goodness for that.

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- See, there's always something to be thankful for, even if it's just killing Draculas with a penchant for vehicular vandalism.

neko said...

a stake through the heart works just as well against any kind of mammal you could think of.

what can i say, im in a dark place right now..

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- It works well against lawyers and politicians, too, even though they're less mammal and more reptile, with chicken livers for hearts.

I'm in a dark place right now as well. The light in my room just burnt out.

badgerbob said...

How about"Proud parents of a failing student who sold your honor student drugs, and knocked her up."?

neko said...

morb, im leaning more and more towards the idea that you may be vampiric -- or something of that nature..

you're in perpetual darkness, be it at work, or at home, and you seem to be nocturnal -- with all the blogging happening at 3 in the morning.

scuze me while i sharpen this stake..


that would be the garlic bread in the oven..

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob -- That's a good one. I think it would sell rather well. In fact, I've seen it tattooed on toothless people at the trailer park near my house.

neko -- I never thought of that before. I do burn in the sun pretty easily.

Unfortunately, I don't have any powers associated with vampirism. My only power, really, is being an asshole. Although, sometimes if my blood sugar gets out of hand, I hang upside down from a clothesline in my backyard until I get an insulin injection.

No, I'm not a vampire. I'm just a restless diabetic with an attitude problem. The garlic won't hurt me, but bread can be dangerous because of all of the carbs.

Prunella Jones said...

Aw Morbid, I'm really sorry to hear that you are suffering from the diabeetus.

I hope you've called Liberty Medical and are checking your blood sugar often. If you don't Wilford Brimley will come kick your ass.

Prunella Jones said...

BTW I've also heard that if you turn out all the lights, light a candle, and stare into a mirror at midnight while whispering "diabeetus" three times in a row, Wilford Brimley will appear and beat you to death with a testing monitor. Although this might be bullshit, the same person told me that Michael Jackson was born a black man. Ha ha, like I'd believe that!

morbid misanthrope said...

prunella jones -- Well, I probably deserved the diabetes, what with all the excessive drinking I was doing and all the "Hey, god! I dare you to fuckin' smite me with diabetes if I drink too much!" screaming tirades I went on after drinking binges.

Ol' Wilford has been coming around here a lot lately, which scared me initially because I thought he was dead. But he proved he was still alive by stealing my neighbor's car.

Anyway, I don't know if that spooky urban legend is true, but if you want Wilford Brimley to show up, all you have to do is leave some sugar-free, low-carb strawberry sorbet on the porch.

Also, if you happen to suddenly get a case of diabetes, he shows up to help you learn to manage your glucose levels. A warning, though: he keeps talking about "being initiated into the club." He'll pressure you to agree to the initiation, but just refuse no matter what. I don't know what the initiation is, but I'm pretty sure I saw a leather mask and some clothespins in his coat pocket.